GUILT

I have finally been hit with that age-old question of whether or not it is best for your children if you are a stay at home mum.

Coming up to the end of my second week of revision and due to the fact that i broke my Oyster card I have been mainly revising from home or in local cafes/libraries, whilst I wait for a replacement (travel without a student Oyster card is far too expensive).

I probably would have got on better had I been going into college everyday, the working atmosphere may have been more of a driver for studying hard than being surrounded by my children, a flat that needs cleaning and countless other distractions!

The trouble is, being at home more has made my son really clingy. I have been able to take him into nursery most mornings and have been around quite a few days when he comes home at lunch time. The more I have been here the harder it has been to leave him at nursery or even just at home with his dad.

My rational head tells me that it is because of the change in his routine- he is used to Daddy taking him to and from nursery and playing with him all afternoon and then Mummy comes home for dinner and Mummy always spends Saturdays with him.

Now, i’m sometimes here, sometimes not, turn up at school to watch his nativity and then leave to do some work, he doesn’t have a regular timetable for my movements at the moment and for a 3 year old, that can be anxiety provoking.

So, leaving him at nursery screaming with tears rolling down his little cheeks as he struggled through sobs to say “i’m going to miss you so much Mummy” is something I haven’t been used to and wasn’t prepared for.

I never had this with my eldest child, but then I was a stay-at-home mum to her for the first 8 years of her life and when she started nursery aged 3 it was a few hours of escapism for us both!

My irrational side is making me feel guilty and telling me that I should be staying at home with my son until he is 8 too and is questioning everything I am doing and working towards.

Deep down, I know that this will pass and I know that my children are very secure and happy but…… WOW, talk about emotional rollercoaster – and yeah, did I mention I have to revise for an exam on January 3rd?!?!

 

 

 

 

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4 Responses to GUILT

  1. No-hoper says:

    My mum had five of us under the age of seven and my dad has always worked long days – I’m sure that they couldn’t give each of us the attention they wanted to at the time, but (so far!) we’ve turned out just fine and aren’t particularly struggling socially or academically.. Having the complete attention of one parent should suffice 🙂

  2. Trish says:

    Children know how to push your emotional buttons and they do this really effectively. I encounter this daily at school but take no notice at all. You have to be really thick skinned and know that the decision that you have made to pursue your dreams take time, bloody hard work, determination and less time with your little angels. But what a role model you are for them!! What would be better: for you to give up and do something else less satisfying in order to spend more time with your children but deep down feel resentful or to spend less time with them but make this short time special and feel fulfilled? You have done more than most mums : being with them for the first years. Caitlin and Amber were in full time care by the time they were one and they have turned out ok. Well done you for going to your sons nativity. I didn’t go to Ambers show this year and last year arrived just as the audience were applauding the end of the performance. Did she care??? Maybe for a moment but I know deep down she feels loved and cared for which is fundamental regardless of the amount of physical time I spend with her. You are lucky that your other half is a full time dad. So many kids that I teach are from one parent families which means that they come to breakfast club at 8.00 and are collected at 6.00 and the same during the holidays. At least M and C can spend time with dad, are collected from school and have some one there for them during holiday time.
    Just remember it is ok to feel guilty but be nice to your self and be strong.

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